The Link Between Us Is…

I just realized how care-less I am. How I don’t share my “real” feelings to real people, including my family, and how much I’ve been idling around like I am certain of the future. But the truth is that I’m scared – scared of what may never come and the regrets of not doing what I should’ve done. And yet, what the heck am I doing? Nothing; just the best way to cripple my existence. 

I feel helpless, directionless and wretched. I know it’s never a good idea to bring down one’s self. I am in charge of what to feel and how to seize each and every day. That I can never blame anyone on my own mistakes, even if it would help me feel better. But I guess I am too frail to say no this melancholic state. The only good thing is that I am surrounded by people who understand – people that I’m trying to loosen the bonds with.

And maybe, just maybe, this is the source of my dismay. I have mingled with various personalities that I came to forget my own. I have enjoyed the short-lived happiness, which I know isn’t wrong, but surely not good enough for me. It’s this state of change that’s drowning me. Yet I may need to. I really don’t know what to do. I don’t want to look needy, though. Ahh, pride, maybe, eh?!

At first, I thought this may disappoint people. So I realized, I no longer care what they say - just like what I used to believe; unless they slap me back to reality and convince me that I don’t belong to the gloomy wilderness that I’m heading to. I thought I should not force myself to please them. Although being with them brightens up my aura. It’s so perplexing, and painful. But it seems I have to go through this, once and for all.  

I now understand that I am truly miserable since I just can’t stop myself from writing even the most senseless of stuff. I write from the heart, though. No editing, no revising, no proofreading – all fresh from the mind to the keyboard and monitor. Maybe, I have always been like that. I admire great and aspiring writers; I feel jealous at times, but I don’t really care whenever I write. I don’t care how I sound, I just let go of the thoughts like it’s the best thing to do when venting out. 

I can’t even stop myself from sharing, and posting. I talk like crazy to my newfound shock-absorber or my human stress ball. Feels good to have someone listening to your angst and rants. But I feel scared from time to time, thinking I might get used to it. Oh, so I’ve spent long years getting close to people that I developed the fear of losing them. Reason why I’m trying to loosen the knots intensely tying me to them. I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to be alone, yet it feels I’m home. 

Honestly, I’m kind of torturing myself. I feel like I need to be punished. That I don’t deserve to be loved because I don’t know how to return the favour. How can I enjoy spending time with my friends when I can’t, or don’t, openly express my devotion to my family. It’s just so unfair to them (my family). I don’t know how to be caring to my siblings, and my parents; or that I’m not used to doing thoughtful things. Reason why I’m always scolded. They say I’m “walang pakialam” and that I’d rather live alone or choose “friends” instead.

If I get the opportunity to bond with my family, I see to it we all enjoy. But most of the time, we’d always be disrupted by something sensitive that’s enough to ruin the mood of the moment. It sucks and it’s traumatic. So I don’t really initiate much of our family get-together or even the simplest form of reunion. Besides, I don’t have that so-so kind of family or the one that we usually find appealing and a very good example. We all have our issues and circumstances. I say I have been through a lot; enough to make me bitter, more defensive and somehow, stronger yet unhappy. I looked for happiness in the simplest of things, yet I don’t feel worthy.   

*Sigh. ‘nuff said. Don’t know what can save me. But I’ll try to move on from this alone. Scribbling my thoughts, and part of my emotions, is more than enough to lessen my load. Perhaps, I really need detachment for now…

Friggin' Sick x_x

I'm sick and yet I'm still at work. It's not that I'm really busy and all; however, isnt getting sick a warning sign to stop working your ass out and get some break? lol. I have been having a hard time breathing due to runny nose and mild cough. Sooner or later, I'd feel feverish and dizzy. It's a good thing that I can still manage. And more importantly, it's Friday.  Since it's the last day of the workweek, I just forced myself to report for duty despite my condition.

It really sucks to get sick, especially if you have so many things to do. It's either you're working so hard that you end up taking your health for granted or you're really taking your health for granted. haha. Anyway, I just hope I can get through this sickness of mine while I'm still not that busy. I have to get myself prepared for the next busy weeks. Just grateful that I dont have a lot of burdens nowadays. And while I'm worrying about this simple or common illness, other people are suffering from more serious health conditions.

Taking Risks and Chances ^_^

Lately, I've been dealing with a lot of circumstances wherein I need to decide whether or not I should take chances. I'm at the crossroad wherein I am faced with situations entangled with complicated forms of risks. Though I had a hard time making up my mind, I knew I had to take one step forward; or I'll end up regretting not doing anything. As you can see, not doing anything is more regretful than doing something bad or wrong. We all are given chances to correct our mistakes; so why not take the risks?

Life is about making choices. What happens n your life depends on how courageous you are in decding which risks to take and not. There are loads of paths to take; whatever you choose, it will lead you to something that you truly deserve. Things happen for a reason and chances are given according to your needs or the situation that you're n. Though you may find that some options are quite puzzling, it is only after you carefully weigh things out and consider what your heart is calling out for that you can come up with the best decision for future remarkable results. 

The risks that you tend to face in your daily life may bring forth harm or dilemmas if you simply take it lightly. Choices should be made for the better. Taking risks would either help you grow or ruin your life; it all depends on yur manner of thinking. But we are bron as rational individuals. Think hard before making decisions particularly if it concerns serious matters in your life. As for me, though I'm not really a decisive kind of person, it is through the support and guidance of my friends that I am able to surpass it all.

Be Thy Thankful

There are so many things to be grateful for, especially nowadays that a lot of calamities are making our lives more miserable. not everyone is blessed with a good life; only few families can actually say that they are happy and contented. The rest of the world id crying in pain and suffering. Either the fluctuating economy is to be blamed or the effects of our neglect and abuse to out Mother Earth. But really, blaming or pointing fingers can never solve anything; instead, it would only worsen the case and cause further dilemmas.

I am, honestly, one of those people who tend to forget giving thanks for all the blessings I'm enjoying. I tend to get overwhelmed of all the good things happening to my life that I end up not having the sufficient time to meditate and call unto Him. Of course, for that, I feel so guilty and not deserving. But nevertheless, God knows how thankful I am for having a kind of life which is far better than those who are suffering in Haiti and the rest of the poor and in a state-of-calamity areas.

 I thank Him for each and wonderful day that He's given me and His mercy despite our complaints and discontentment. I am thankful for each new day, that which if it never came, I am sure to regret. We can never tell what's going to happen next in our lives. Maybe n just a matter of minutes, your heart would suddenly stop beating without the reasons that any physicians could ever explain. Scary, is it not?

Death is inevitable. Thus, we all should learn how to cherish each and every moment. Make the best out of everything. Always be thankful for all the blessings no matter how small or simple they appear to be. And as much as possible, be a bleassing to the needy. No matter how small the favor you are doing for others, in the eyes of the Lord, you are highly-praised and appreciated. So be thy thankful while you still can.

Random Realizations...

It's when you age up that you tend to realize
how far have you been gone...
what you actually accomplished...
and if you ever did made the things you need to
and ought to be doing...

It's the time when thoughts of whether you were happy
from all of those years that passed...
whether you were able to satisfy yourself
and of course, those that you care and love the most...

Reality checked and you discovered
that so many things have changed....
from those petty stuffs you indulged yourself in
up to those big decisions that you made...

Now why is it that we...
even though been bugged by these thoughts...
remain to be just the person that we used to be...
we know we must change and its for the better...
but we still tend to hold on
to those that we know
are not just good enough?

So what does it really takes
for us to make a move?
and does the motive of changing
limits only to one's self?
does it not extend to changing
not only the ways of an individual...
but also for the whole humanity itself?

We change for the reason
that we no longer get what we want
by staying just the way we were...
but change is ought not to be the reason
for just satisfying one's needs or wants...
change comes from the thought...
that you do it for the general welfare.

Then when is the best time to make the move?
Is it after we are diagnosed of some serious disease?
we lost a loved one due to our vices and the like?
Or maybe just the time when we feel
that we are no longer living in a world
that was intented for humans?

The time to make a change
doesnt need the "best" timing to make it up.
change can never wait...
It is something for us to do and keep doing.
An effort that we should have done
a very long time ago
up to the very present....

How soon is now?
Change calls for the action...
Are we there yet?!
It's never too late if we start doing it now.
The end is near...
Should we wait for the moment
that all we need is change...
but life doesnt have it...anymore...

Broken Pieces

It has been.. hmmm... cant remember anymore..maybe, "blank" months or years since the last time I saw my dad. Mom and dad got separated when I was about to finish high school. And the sad part is, it happened a month before Christmas. So whenever December would come and he's still not with us, bad memories would keep on haunting me. Until now, it's still so painful to think about the past. Of course, we've kind of moved on. However, we cant deny that we badly miss and need him.

That being said, it's obvious that I'm one of those who belong to a broken family. Loads of bad things happened to our family and so I'm proud to say that we were able to survive. Thanks to my patient and courageous mom who never dared to give up on us. She had always worked so hard and dealt with things efficiently without complaining. I am so proud of my mom though she cant feel my appreciation for her. I'm not really the showy type. When it comes to my family, I'm kind of different compared when I am outside our home. I'm the reserved type, and sometimes, the worst kind of daughter. But I've always wanted the best for my family. I want to give them everything they need; I feel pathetic and useless whenever I cant do whatever they need from me. But nevertheless, thank God that I have a wonderful and blessed family.

Though broken, I dont really feel like there's something missing because of my family's warm support and ever-dearest presence. Added with the love and concern of my friends, I tend to forget all the heart-breaking memories I've had. Now, going through anything is no longer a problem. Of course, God is our refuge and strenght. He's the most gracious, loving and merciful father I'd never want to lose. Without a father like him, I'd be nothing. He keeps my family strong and safe. He's filling all the missng pieces and fixing what needs be. Though I can still find myself regretting all the things that happened, I know, there are reasons behind. And my parent's separation might've been the best thing for us. I just hope that my father is well. And that we can see him again, before it's too late.

You Confuse Me.. x_x

You confuse me...
Why is it that you make me think of things that could always make me feel so lost?
Why is it that your presence is something I always want to feel?
You do things that make me feel special;
but the next thing I know...

things appear as if nothing happened.

You really do confuse me.
Why is it that you are here when I least expect it...
You confuse me with your words.
You confuse me with your actions.
I want you to be frank.. to be honest and be yourself.
Will you look at me...
and tell me..
what is truly the real score?

What am I to you?

You confuse me.
And yet your mystery makes me want you more.
Do you just want me to come after you?
What should I do?
I feel disoriented and drowning.
And the confusion and doubt I feel towards you..
such things are drawing me farther away from you...

You confuse me..
Yes, you do.
And I hope, you know it too.